Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Childlike faith

Ellery has a routine conversation that she begins most every day after we drop Daddy off at Dr. Minow's office. By the time we're pulling out of the parking lot, I usually hear her gravelly morning voice from the seat behind mine:

E: Mommy, where's Daddy going?

C: He's going to the doctor's.

E: Did he get sick?

C: Yes, he got sick. He got cancer.

E: Oh, they will listen to his heart and give him a shot and he will be all better!

C: All better, honey. Daddy will be all better.

Oh to live in a world where three-year old reality was true -- a world where shots always worked and always made you better! She doesn't think in terms of five-year survival rates, side effects, complications, and relapses. She just thinks about Daddy being the coolest, strongest man in her life and how much she loves him.

There is something in our every day conversation that comforts me. I sometimes get caught up in doubt, but am encouraged by Mark 9:24 where the father of a sick boy says to Jesus, "I believe, but help me not to doubt!" Jesus, I believe, but help me not to Google too much or lie in bed at night and think about worst case scenarios. I believe, but I kinda don't believe sometimes (or at least act like I don't believe), and God is okay with that. Childlike faith isn't perfect faith, but a faith where belief always wins out in the end. It's an assurance that God is going to be enough for me and I can trust his word, no matter what happens.

Reese is doing about as expected for day 3 of the second cycle -- pretty yucky. He's back into his all Chicken Noodle Soup all the time phase. I bought some protein powder on to make smoothies for him. I ordered the 5 pound size, thinking that it couldn't be all that big. It is BIG. It is taller and wider than the blender itself. I guess I got a little carried away, but it's a testament to how badly I wish I could make him feel better. My wishes are not wimpy 12 ounce zip-top bag wishes, they are 5 pound plastic canister wishes, baby! Big wishes. Unfortunately, there's only so much that my efforts (including protein powder) can do to take away the pain and sickness, and that's frustrating for me.

That same faith-filled, rambunctious three year-old decided that there wasn't enough trauma (and drama) in our household last night. She tripped and fell on the concrete patio, chipping several of her teeth. The dentist patched her up as well as she could and told us that time will tell if they survive or if the Tooth Fairy pays Ellery a very early visit.

It's been a long 24 hours and I think I'm looking forward to it being tomorrow.


  1. Hello Cara. This is a great blog.

    My brother is fighting testicular cancer and he put up a link on his blog to yours. I'm in Northern Cali and we wish you and your family all the best during your husband's battle. My brother is doing well on round 2 of 4 of his chemo. Hang in there and just know, some folks you don't know, up north, are wishing you well! :)
    Best, Rachael

  2. I love the 5lbs of proten powder...YOU GO GIRL!!! Way to do your part! Ellery is still beautiful...chipped teeth and all and we are praying for Collin, knowing he is feeling quite anxious. You are all in our prayers daily. We love you dearly friends!
    Love, Lynelle and family

  3. You are such a good writer Cara! Love you!

  4. Cara, This is Steph's Auntie Peggy here. Your faith is such an inspiration to me. I love your blog and pray for all of you. Hugs, Peggy

  5. Rachael -- thank you so much for your sweet comments. I know there are many families, with names unknown to us, reading my blog and facing the same challenges we are. We certainly feel a connection with you all, even though we've never met! I love your brother's blog too (Die Cancer Die, right?).

    Lynelle, Julie & Jon -- we love you guys too :)

    Aunt Peggy -- thank you so much for your prayers and compliments. We are lifting Steph's Dad and your family up as well. So glad that our thoughts and experiences can be a comfort to you right now.

  6. Hi Cara,
    I just got word that Reese has entered the next stage of this battle. I am keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.
    Mona Gisler